90 days of suck

It's been 90 days since Tom died. Every day something reminds me of him. It might be a song, or a memory, or something I see online that I know he would love and crack up over. It's getting easier yet harder at the same time, if that make any sense. But I feel so very alone, even when I surrounded by people. I don't want to die but living like this, without him, really sucks.


Cute puppies

Lulu & Santa 2011

Happy Holidays 2011

My friend has a new puppy, Zoey. Zoey is so adorable that I just want to snuggle her all the time, which I did, before we went to the hockey game. Who's a cute little puppy?

Two cuties

Also, can I just say wow, no wonder I got carded at the game! I do not look 38 in this picture.

Sometimes good things happen

Earlier this week I got an email from the local Nissan dealership telling me that I had won a pair of tickets to tonight's hockey game. The seats were very good, just 2 rows from the ice, and free parking! I was so excited and then I remembered that Tom wouldn't be able to go with me. So I took my friend instead and even though the 'Canes lost it was fun.



Thanksgiving Week

Is anyone else really glad this is a short work week? 

I wish I could write a meaningful post but I keep typing and deleting sentences. So I'll just say that I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving.


FrankenThumb Update

Frankenthumb update

It's looking pretty good. My coworker had some samples of Mederma so I've used that a few times and it's making a big difference. Scarring isn't really an issue to me, so I'm not about to go spend $20 on a tiny tube of the stuff but if someone gives me samples for free I'm all over it.


Easily Amused

A few weeks ago I bought myself an iPad. Retail therapy. It amuses me. I'd been wanting one for ages but Tom had given me a laptop so I didn't really think I needed one. Obviously, my mind changed. Do you know, other than my mattress, the iPad is the MOST expensive thing I have ever purchased at one time? That freaked me out. Also, it is kind of a sad commentary on my life. What that says, I don't know, but it says something. 

Anyway, I really like the photo apps but the camera is not as good as the iPhone. So I take the pictures with my iPhone and then the cloud lets me play with them on the iPad. Man that cloud is cool.

Turtle turtle!


Brussel sprout stalks


At least I wasn't last

City of Oaks

My time was atrocious but I was expecting that. I had a good start and was doing well until around mile four when my body realized what I was doing to it and was all WTF!?! Then around mile six we actually went right by the parking lot where my car was. It took everything I had not to get in it and drive away.

I wasn't the last half marathoner to finish.... I was second to last. WOoOo.

Hopefully, I'll be able to walk in the morning. Tonight I'm hobbling like an old old woman.


Rough road ahead

So tomorrow is the City of Oaks half marathon. Even before Tom died, my training was half hearted at best. But at least I was getting out there once or twice a week and putting the miles in. Since the middle of September, all I've done is walk Lulu. You've seen her legs, that's no endurance workout.

At first I wasn't going to do to the race. But I knew that if I didn't I would regret it, even if it took longer than my first half marathon or made my body hurt more than ever before. Tom was so proud of my "running". One of his coworkers said that he talked about it so much that she got kind of sick of hearing about it. So if I didn't do it, it would be like I was letting him down. But at the same time something that is already pretty emotional (I cried when I crossed the finish last at Virginia Beach last year) is going to be even more so now. Three plus hours (told you I was slow) is a long time to be rattling around in my head, over thinking everything. There isn't a loud enough, angry enough song to drown out my thoughts. Believe me, I've tried.

I went to pick up my race bib this morning and got another painful reminder that life will never be the same. When I filled out the race entry several months ago I had put Tom as my emergency contact. I remember joking with him that we were a super official couple now, even more than being Facebook official. His name and number are printed on the bib. Now I have to scratch through that and write in a new person.

Yeah, I'm really excited to do this race.

And I wonder why Lulu doesn't love me anymore

Super Ninja Turtle Lulu




The giant bandage has come off and now I just wear a regular bandaid. I'm going with no news is good news since I haven't heard anything from the doctor on the pathology. My follow up appointment and stitches removal is next week so they will probably tell me then.


I did have something to say

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I was mentally composing a blog post but of course I've forgotten it now. So you'll just have to deal with my ramblings. I have a cold and I'm sneezing all over the place. It's a miracle my eyeballs haven't popped out yet.

So earlier this week I had surgery on my thumb. About a year ago I did something to my left thumb that created a tiny bump that would occasionally hurt if I moved it the wrong way. Well, as the months went on it grew larger and would hurt more often. It freaked Tom out.

So in August I finally went to see a doctor about it. I was so nervous when I was in the waiting room, because I just knew the doctor was going to amputate or something that very day, that I texted Tom to tell him about it. Shortly thereafter he showed up just to sit with me. Because that's how awesome he was. Anyway, long story short, that doctor sent me to hand surgeon and that's why I had surgery this past Thursday.

The first doctor ordered an ultrasound of the bump, so Tom and I started calling the thing my thumb babies. Dumb, I know, but that's how we roll. Turns out there were not sea monkeys in there but some kind of orange chewed up gum looking mass. A tumor (it's not a tumor). Most likely benign so I'm not freaked out.

Although, as they were prepping my hand and then numbing me up I did start to cry. Not because it hurt. I mean really. I've had migraines that made me want to kill myself so I can stand a few seconds of pain. No, I was crying because I wanted Tom to be there. But he wasn't so I had to suck it up and deal.

And now I have this giant bandaged thumb, beneath which are a bunch of stitches.
 It's a bit ridic,don't you think?


It's been a long month

4 weeks today. It still doesn't seem real. Obviously, I know Tom is dead. I saw him in the coffin. I brushed his hair and touched his cold, waxy skin. I saw the death certificate. But in my heart I want him to come back.

On the outside I seem pretty okay. I am functioning, doing my job (not my best work, but it will do), joking with coworkers, etc, but I feel numb. I read part of a book about grief, so this must be the denial portion. Not really sure as I couldn't finish reading the book. It made me sob for hours and that's not really good when I have to go to work the next day. It doesn't help that the book is written from the view point that you've shared a lifetime with your loved one. That just made me sadder when I realized all the things Tom and I never got to do together. We never got to celebrate Christmas together. We never got to meet each other's family. Meeting his family because he died is not exactly what I had in mind.

Tomorrow I leave for Texas. On the trip Tom was supposed to take with me. There will be a stranger sitting next to me on the plane. That is going to suck so bad.


How I'm feeling

Almost every hour there is something that makes me want to talk to Tom. I have even picked up a phone to send a text before I remember that, oh wait, he won't be able to read it.

Yesterday was my birthday. My sister is here with me, so that is helping, but damn I miss Tom.


Three Words


Last summer, after running the three half marathons, I wanted to get a tattoo to remind me of what I had achieved. So a little over a month ago, Tom and I found ourselves with some time to kill before going to see a movie. We went to the tattoo shop and I had this phrase, do your best, inked on the inside of my right wrist. It's a phrase my dad used to say to me every morning when I left for school and something I try to do every day.

But now these three words have a different meaning.

Do your best...

So I'm doing my best to get up and go to work each morning, to pay attention to Lulu, to eat, to not think beyond tomorrow.


Lulu has a sad

Lulu misses Tom

Lulu knows something is wrong. She's not being herself. Yes, she's a lazy dog but she's been even lazier. Looking even sadder. Laying on the sofa, looking straight at the front door as if she's waiting for Tom to walk in the door. If you ask her where Tom is she knits her brows together and looks around. I know she misses him too. Because honestly, I'm pretty sure she loved him more than me.

Lulu loves Tom


Stages of Grief

There are 5 stages of grief. Denial Anger Bargaining Depression and Acceptance.

I know this because I bought a book. But I've yet to do more than flip through it. But I can tell you that I've got some denial and depression going on for sure. There is a part of me that can not believe Tom is really gone. I'll never get another good morning text from him or hear him call me babe or tell me I'm amazing and that he loves me. Surely this is just a really really bad dream.


I'm still here

It's been a rough couple of days. My parents flew up to be with me and I'm so grateful for that. There's so much I want to say but as much as I've posted over the years there are just some things I don't want to put on the internet.

But I will say this...I loved Tom more than I've ever loved anyone. He made me feel safe and beautiful and like I was the smartest, funniest woman. We had so little time together. I feel robbed. And it makes me angry. Angry and sad. Not just for me, but for his sons and his family and his friends. I've heard from so many people about what a great friend he was to them. Tom touched so many lives.

If you've found this post because you were googling Tom, I would love to hear from you. Please tell me how you knew him. Share a story with me.



I am devastated.
Yesterday, Tom, The Boyfriend, collapsed in his home and died unexpectedly.
He made me so very happy and we were looking forward to building a life together.

Thomas M Piscitello Jr
September 13, 1974-September 14, 2011


O Hai

Did you think I forgot about you, random blog readers? I could lie and say that life has been busy, but it hasn't. What have I been doing? Trying not to melt, as it's been crazy hot-as-Texas here in North Carolina, and watching too much television. Every time The Boyfriend calls he asks what I'm doing. Maybe he expects a different answer but it's always the same "nothing, watching tv". Because that's how I roll.

Anyway, I am very excited that I will be visiting my family in Texas in October and The Boyfriend is coming with me! Now I can take him to all my favorite eating places and prove to him that indeed, Freebirds is way better than Moe's.


99 Problems...

I may or may not relate to some of these....


I swear....

Source: www.postsecret.com

I really am in training.


Racing to Save Lives....again

I've started up with Team in Training (TNT) again to train for another half marathon this fall. If you aren't familiar with TNT it is a fundraising program for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Each participant raises funds as they train for some kind of athletic event. The event I'm doing is Raleigh's City of Oaks. I would love to do a race in another city, last year I went to San Diego, but there just isn't enough vacation time. So I'm staying local. You can help me meet my fundraising goal by donating via the link over there on the sidebar.


Found on Pinterest

I've had to quit watching The Office, because it pained me to see Michael Scott act like such an idiot, but I thought this was great.

And here's the original, Seurat's Sunday Afternoon on the Island of Grande Jatte


Lulu fought a Fat Man

While The Boyfriend and I were on our cruise, Lulu stayed with my friend and her crew of 2 cats and a dog. One of the cats, Fat Man, doesn't really like dogs. Apparently, he and Lulu got into it yesterday morning. Guess who won? With a name like Fat Man, do you have any doubts? It wasn't Lulu.


One Week

In one week, The Boyfriend and I will be cruising to the Bahamas. I can not wait. The Boyfriend has a fear of sharks, due to seeing Jaws at a very impressionable age. I hope that will not keep him from enjoying the trip. Strangely enough I keep running across shark pictures on Pinterest so I just had to post them for you all. Some of them crack me up.


Home is wherever I'm with you

The whistling at the beginning made Lulu wake up and look around. Very cute.

Here is a little bit about the man and his daughter.


This is the funniest thing I've seen all day

Seriously, I was laughing so hard that I have tears.

Latest Obsession

What is the latest thing that keeps me up late at night, surfing the interwebs? Pinterest!

You know how you'll be cruising the web, find something you like and then either bookmark it for save the photo to your computer only to never see it again? Well now you can pin it to your boards and see what other people are pinning. I love it.


Interactive Art

This is so cool. Artist Candy Chang, who lives in New Orleans, painted an abandoned house in her neighborhood with chalkboard paint and a stencil that says "before I die I want to" so that people could write down their dreams.


Spring is here (or I Love Green)

Le Crueset has come out with a new color, a green called Fennel, that can only be found at Sur La Table. Green is my favorite color. But I really love the turquoise blue too. Would I get tired of a color after a while? Le Crueset is a big investment that it would be awful to start buying it in a color that I started to hate after a few years.

Speaking of green things, over the weekend I tried to finally do something about my lack of coffee table situation by purchasing 2 little end tables at Target. This is what happens when you aren't really paying attention.

I also went on a hunt for a dress to wear on my cruise and tried on this cute Calvin Klein number that I found at TJ Maxx. In the end I decided not to buy it though. The diagonal lines made me feel a bit like a mummy.
Green dress I didn't buy

Wow, could I be any whiter? I better stock up on some SPF before I get on that boat and maybe I should use some spray tan so my shipmates don't think that they are cruising with Casper!


New favorite things

I have some new favorite things in my life.

1. The tv show Being Human on Syfy. If you haven't heard of this channel, it's about a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost that all live together. I know, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke but really the show is AWESOME! None of that Twilight pansy-ass romance bullshit either. It's very dark and angsty.

2. Cinnamon Sugar kettlecorn. This stuff is delicious. So what if I polished off a bag over the weekend. Popcorn is good for you, right?

3. Adele's new album, 21. I bought it a couple of weeks ago and have been listening to it in my car non-stop. Her voice is amazing! You must watch her live performances on YouTube. She gives me chills.


A hug from me to you

I like hugs. Hugs are good and there are some days when I really need one. Thanks for sending me this video, Mom.


Canes Game

Canes vs Sabres

Last night, The Boyfriend and I went to another hockey game and saw the Canes play the Sabres. The tickets were my Valentine's day gift to The Boyfriend. The seats were awesome and the game was very exciting. The Canes won in a 26 second overtime.

Canes vs Sabres


I have a new camera

and I'm not afraid to use it!

Staring out the window

So True

If my mail didn't keep getting stolen I would totally buy this card for The Boyfriend.


Who's hungry?

Baxter is one of my very favorite Dachshunds. His mom is always taking adorable photos of him and she makes very cool harnesses for Dachshunds too. Check out her Dapper Doxie Duds that she sells on Etsy (under the name Kalyxcraftopia). Someday I will have her make one for Lulu.

Video by Kalyxcornucopia


It's a good thing she's cute...

because my dog is driving me crazy! For the past two nights she has whined constantly to go outside and it's about to make me lose my mind.

These pictures are from our walk the other night. It was crazy windy.

My digital camera has sort of bit the dust so I've been using my iPhone for the last couple of months. It does an okay job but I'm going to need to get a new camera before the cruise. Any recommendations for a good little camera? Nothing too fancy.


Counting down the weeks

In 8 weeks The Boyfriend and I will be leaving for an awesome vacation...a 7 night cruise to the Bahamas. I can not wait! Every night, as I'm shivering in bed, I think about lying in the hot tropical sun being very lazy and it makes me happy.