The giant bandage has come off and now I just wear a regular bandaid. I'm going with no news is good news since I haven't heard anything from the doctor on the pathology. My follow up appointment and stitches removal is next week so they will probably tell me then.


I did have something to say

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I was mentally composing a blog post but of course I've forgotten it now. So you'll just have to deal with my ramblings. I have a cold and I'm sneezing all over the place. It's a miracle my eyeballs haven't popped out yet.

So earlier this week I had surgery on my thumb. About a year ago I did something to my left thumb that created a tiny bump that would occasionally hurt if I moved it the wrong way. Well, as the months went on it grew larger and would hurt more often. It freaked Tom out.

So in August I finally went to see a doctor about it. I was so nervous when I was in the waiting room, because I just knew the doctor was going to amputate or something that very day, that I texted Tom to tell him about it. Shortly thereafter he showed up just to sit with me. Because that's how awesome he was. Anyway, long story short, that doctor sent me to hand surgeon and that's why I had surgery this past Thursday.

The first doctor ordered an ultrasound of the bump, so Tom and I started calling the thing my thumb babies. Dumb, I know, but that's how we roll. Turns out there were not sea monkeys in there but some kind of orange chewed up gum looking mass. A tumor (it's not a tumor). Most likely benign so I'm not freaked out.

Although, as they were prepping my hand and then numbing me up I did start to cry. Not because it hurt. I mean really. I've had migraines that made me want to kill myself so I can stand a few seconds of pain. No, I was crying because I wanted Tom to be there. But he wasn't so I had to suck it up and deal.

And now I have this giant bandaged thumb, beneath which are a bunch of stitches.
 It's a bit ridic,don't you think?


It's been a long month

4 weeks today. It still doesn't seem real. Obviously, I know Tom is dead. I saw him in the coffin. I brushed his hair and touched his cold, waxy skin. I saw the death certificate. But in my heart I want him to come back.

On the outside I seem pretty okay. I am functioning, doing my job (not my best work, but it will do), joking with coworkers, etc, but I feel numb. I read part of a book about grief, so this must be the denial portion. Not really sure as I couldn't finish reading the book. It made me sob for hours and that's not really good when I have to go to work the next day. It doesn't help that the book is written from the view point that you've shared a lifetime with your loved one. That just made me sadder when I realized all the things Tom and I never got to do together. We never got to celebrate Christmas together. We never got to meet each other's family. Meeting his family because he died is not exactly what I had in mind.

Tomorrow I leave for Texas. On the trip Tom was supposed to take with me. There will be a stranger sitting next to me on the plane. That is going to suck so bad.


How I'm feeling

Almost every hour there is something that makes me want to talk to Tom. I have even picked up a phone to send a text before I remember that, oh wait, he won't be able to read it.

Yesterday was my birthday. My sister is here with me, so that is helping, but damn I miss Tom.