12.14.2011

90 days of suck

It's been 90 days since Tom died. Every day something reminds me of him. It might be a song, or a memory, or something I see online that I know he would love and crack up over. It's getting easier yet harder at the same time, if that make any sense. But I feel so very alone, even when I surrounded by people. I don't want to die but living like this, without him, really sucks.

5 comments:

  1. Hang in there! I can tell you that the pain never goes away, it just gets a little easier each and every day. Sending you strength across the miles.

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  2. yes,its true,the pain will not go away, but it will be much more quiet after a time.
    it will hurt less and you will wonder,how this could be!
    trust me,also you dont believe it now,there will be love again,in your live!
    so,go on living,be sad,cry if you need too ,and let it heal!
    someday it will all be much better!
    we are all thinking of you and sending you strengh

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  3. aw i was wondering how you were doing and wanted to blogstop by. yeah, i know what you mean. take care. :)

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  4. Sorry this is so long. I don't want to intrude but I believe in sharing experience, strength and hope when I can.
    I found your site through Baxter on Facebook. I lost my husband when he was 47 and I was 39. I didn't think I could bear it. Every 'first' without him just flooded me with memories. I still sometimes wear one of his sweaters or his watch that I kept if I know it will help me get through the day.
    I attended a support group because I needed to talk about him, tell the stories and to say how I felt. I can say what was stressed to us and I have found to be true: The stages of grief play out differently for everyone--no one can tell you that you should be 'over it'. Stages can come in different order and come back, it can't be known. You can laugh, you can have good times while you are still in the midst of terrible grief.

    What you can know is that you will begin to take steps to live your new life without him. And when I was finally able to let go of focusing on Mike's absence, I was able to accept and even find joy in memories of what we did together, what he taught me, what we learned together. A counselor told me that it was like gradually (over months or years there is no 'right' way) you develop a new relationship with the person. It has been 13 long years without Mike; we were together 13 years, too. The love is still there, his influence on my life is still there, the joy of our time together is still there. I just became able to open myself to new joy and love again and was able to let go of with his death--I guess I accepted what he had become for me.

    At the holidays I keep a candle burning in the house. He is remembered. His spirit is still in me and in others whose lives he touched.

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  5. I can't say the pain will go away or that it will get easier. It doesn't. But G-d allows us time to learn how to steel our hearts against the pain. We learn how to live with it, we learn to recognize the little lapping at the shores and avoid the crashing waves of grief.

    I wish you well on the journey and send my condolences.

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