10.12.2011

It's been a long month

4 weeks today. It still doesn't seem real. Obviously, I know Tom is dead. I saw him in the coffin. I brushed his hair and touched his cold, waxy skin. I saw the death certificate. But in my heart I want him to come back.

On the outside I seem pretty okay. I am functioning, doing my job (not my best work, but it will do), joking with coworkers, etc, but I feel numb. I read part of a book about grief, so this must be the denial portion. Not really sure as I couldn't finish reading the book. It made me sob for hours and that's not really good when I have to go to work the next day. It doesn't help that the book is written from the view point that you've shared a lifetime with your loved one. That just made me sadder when I realized all the things Tom and I never got to do together. We never got to celebrate Christmas together. We never got to meet each other's family. Meeting his family because he died is not exactly what I had in mind.

Tomorrow I leave for Texas. On the trip Tom was supposed to take with me. There will be a stranger sitting next to me on the plane. That is going to suck so bad.

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